Lost in the woods

So, for the past few days I have been without technology, and whaddya know, I'm paying for it!!

Apparently in 2011 one can no longer go more than 8 hours without a cell phone, email, FB update, or blog post without catching hell.. what a shame.  Imagine the hell I had to pay being without internet or phone reception Saturday through Tuesday! Yikes!

This past extended weekend I was up at my cottage, a beautiful and humble place right on the banks of the Menominee River (Google it).  I had a great time celebrating my awesome Mother and Grandmother for Mother's Day!

So, what did I eat?! Good question...

Saturday -
Breakfast: Bacon and eggs at home
Lunch: two bags of beef jerky on the ride up

Stopped for very important Kentucky Derby hats at the local dollar store - plastic hats adorned with plastic flower vines - adorable!

Once I arrived, I proceeded to make a few pitchers of margaritas! The recipe is from a good friend, and I have been sworn to secrecy not to share.. but if you're ever around - I'll be happy to make em for ya! And what's better with margaritas than chips and salsa, right?

Oh the black bean salsa... a local deli where I grew up makes this salsa, and it is MAGICAL! Its essentially pico de gallo with black beans... but holy hell, its amazing.  Back in high school when I had the metabolism of a humming bird, my best friend and I would eat that stuff with lime tortilla chips by the POUND.  Literally... you know those big deli containers they use for potato salad and other midwest picnic staples, yeah, we got those filled with salsa!

I widely sliced a red pepper, and used those as a vector for salsa to mouth.  The black beans aren't paleo, but other than that it wasn't too off the mark! I think next time I may salt the red pepper.. though that sounds a little gross, I was missing the salt from the tortilla chips -- anyone have other suggestions for substitutions?  I love Kale chips, but they're not sturdy enough for salsa!

Dinner was Sheboygan style brats - a local favorite!! Lucky me, my dad had some VENISON brats - YUM!!! I've been missing venison... sooo much... so so much... I enjoyed a few brats, no bun, with mustard for dinner... along with another margarita or two!  The table was filled with buns, french fries, desserts, etc - and I impressed myself by only stealing one french fry from my mom!!

Sunday Sunday Sunday

Breakfast - well, I cooked cuz its mothers day!!! And, I hate doing dishes, so if I can get on the skillet first, I win! Just ask my husband, who cannot cook - we have a great thing going, I cook, he does dishes!! Its perfect! I cooked bacon, sausage, over easy eggs, and pancakes. Yes, pancakes.  Oh how much does it suck to pour the perfect pancake knowing I won't be able to enjoy any?! Lots. Lots and Lots.  My dad, in his infinate wisdom, has gotten into the trade of maple syrup making.  He informed me over breakfast that he estimates he's invested over $10K in this project... why? I have no idea... He's close to retiring and apparently needed ANOTHER hobby. But, hey, we get some really yummy maple syrup out of it! There is some debate in the paleo community about the "paleo-ness" of maple syrup.  All it is is boiled down tree sap, so? You make the call? I boil my paleo soups, cook my paleo chicken? What do you think?

So, how does a paleo nomad enjoy said syrup? I cut up a bowl full of strawberries and spooned a little syrup on those!! Mmmmmmmmm

Lunch
A leftover brat...or two.

Dinner
Well, dinner I took a dive off the deep end.  My family returned to civilization and I decided to spend an extra day at my grandparents house.  You know what they say "When the going gets tough, I go to grandmas"?? Well, the going wasn't too tough, but I went to grandma's anyway.  Grandma wanted pizza on Mothers Day, and well, its her day so she can do whatever she damn well pleases!  She was very concerned that I wouldn't be able to eat, or find anything we liked, so she kept reconsidering pizza or not... I told her, to hell with it Grandma.  Tonight, we feast on pizza! And we did.  And it was delicious. And I paid for that decision all night with bad dreams, heart burn, and my stomach was a wreck the next day.  Eew.  Was it worth it? It was delicious and she was happy, so, YES!

Monday

Breakfast
Bacon and eggs, of course! Seriously, this stuff never gets old.

Lunch
I learned how to make a centuries old meatball recipe, from my mother's father's mother's father.  Yeah, that'd be my great great grandfather, and it may be older than him!! It took 3 lbs of meat, of which we used VENISON (man, I wish I could get this stuff all the time) and 2 cups of bread crumbs... the whole while I was thinking how could I make this paleo? Maybe almond flour? We shall see... I'll try it at home and let you know.  Anyway, they were AWESOME!

Dinner
Approximately halfway between my grandparents house and my parents house is.... well... nothing.  A few gas stations, lots of fields, and one Italian restaurant, so that's where we met for the handoff, meaning, I went back home with my parents.  So, italian restaurant... what do you think is on the menu? More pizza... hell no.  Pasta? I don't think so.  Yucky brown leaf salad - yikes?!  So, in scouring the menu I found something that looked alright.  Under the heading of "Italian Classics" or something like that... was a dish described as locally made italian sausage sautee'd with peppers and onions, in a marinara sauce!!! PERFECT! NO PASTA! NO CHEESE! TOTALLY PALEO!! I danced on the table until my father told me I was embarrassing him, and should learn better dance moves.  Well, I ordered and the food arrived.  Whaddya know, they LIED!  It WAS a pasta dish, and it was COVERED in melted cheese.  I scraped the cheese off to the side, and just avoided the pasta, it wasn't too bad, but I felt deceived. Damnit.

Tuesday
Breakfast - bacon and eggies! Still delicious!

Lunch - I don't think I ate lunch... this was only yesterday, so I feel like I should remember.  It's finals week for my masters program, so I'm playing "school" while on vacation. Awesome.

Dinner - my mom and dad work full time, though, I don't know why.  I think it's so they have something to do.  Anyway, my mom loves whats called "Market Day".  Not a clue what that is, but its mostly frozen entree's and sides.  So, I had some Market Day turkey steaks, and a whole package of asparagus.  Mmmm - thanks mom!!  She enjoyed cheese and crackers for dinner, and my dad finished my leftover sausage/pepper/onion montage from the night before.  I cried a little when I saw her eating, but what can you do! Can't say I haven't tried!  More on this later...

Losing Weight is BULLSHIT

Losing Weight is BullShit.

Yep, I said it.  I’m sure its not the first time you’ve seen profanity on the internet, so lets move forward.

This is me physically stepping on my soapbox for the next thousand odd words.

Losing weight is bullshit.  I don’t know who coined the term “losing” weight, but they should be shot.  

It’s not like you turn around and say “now where did I put that extra 25 pounds I was carrying yesterday?”  You don’t pull you head out of your butt on the ride home from the mall frantically scanning the floor and dashboard and between the seats and in the glovebox and in the seat pockets looking for the 25 pounds you left on the counter at Macy’s.  Your stomach doesn’t almost drop out of your ass when you frantically realize that you lost sight of the 25 pounds you were baby sitting at the park for your friend while she got her nails done. No, you don’t LOSE weight.  And unlike misplacing your wallet or your friend’s kid - you don’t really want to FIND it either, cuz believe me, after you go through this “loss”, if the weight shows up again, you don’t sleep better, you’re not relieved, and you certainly won’t be promising yourself to NEVER lose that again!!

Losing weight is bullshit.

I don’t care if you authored the greatest healthiest most sustainable diet (ahem-paleo-ahem) ever! Don’t advertise it as a way to lose weight!  Its a guide book, a self help book, a shoulder to cry on, works of encouragement, a resource for support and a reminder of how to make the right choices.  That’s how the number on the scale goes down - you make choices.  You chose what you eat for breakfast, if you’re going to stop at Starbucks on the way to work, if you’re going to partake in the evil box of doughnuts on the secretary’s desk, if you’re going to join the gang for lunch at Mc Fatty’s for Bob’s birthday - and this is all before 8AM! So lets say you do go to McFatty’s -- you still have a choice! So while your skinny fat (I’ll get to that later) co worker mows down on her kids meal chicken mcprocessed with fries and a “coke zero” and jabba da hut from down the hall enjoys his double quarter pounder with cheese, you pick at your yucky browning lettuce removing the processed cheese, croutons and what are you left with?  A few measly ounces of “grilled” chicken breast, a cherry tomato or two, and some lettuce - mostly the big fat crunchy parts that no one really likes, and unless you carry well seasoned olive oil in your purse, no dressing either.  And if you think on shows like the Biggest Loser that the judges are really grossed out by what their contestants used to eat - like Mc Fatty’s?? Think again, we are PROGRAMMED to enjoy that stuff... and unless you’ve lived under a rock, or in Portland, chances are you’ve eaten McDonalds, or a French Fry, or a Bloomin Onion - and they taste DAMN good -- those restaurants wouldn’t exist if that weren’t the case! So good on you for making that ONE choice.  

Will that one choice pay off in the end - that one lunch? Probably not.  You could weigh yourself that morning, and the next morning after eating the Double Double with a side of diabetes and a large liquid sugar - easy on the ice, and likely not notice much of a difference.  Its the combination of those 10 choices you made BEFORE lunch, and the 30 some odd more you’ll make before going to bed that add up.  

Losing weight is BULL SHIT! 

You make CHOICES, one, hungry growling stomach with no paleo snacks within reach, at a time.

Its not easy.  Seriously.  The figureheads in this business make it look that way.  Its not, it takes extra money on groceries, which not everyone has.  It takes time, which is something I KNOW we all could use more of.  It takes arguing - yep, arguing.  With your kids, your husband, everyone in your household that’s subjected to your decisions, OR, you have to sit there and watch them eat shit, knowing your family is committing a slow suicide, and you can preach til you’re blue in the face knowing full well the decision is theirs - not yours. It takes balls to sit at a restaurant EVERY time you’re with a new group of friends and explain WTF you’re eating, why, and no, potatoes are not OK.  And have people challenge you, and ask you well what about this food? and what about that food? and what is cauliflower okay but not corn? And your steak is cooked, I thought you said if you could “KILL IT” you could eat it?!  When all you REALLY want to do is enjoy that yummy seared tuna that you sacrificed the pizza for. 

It SUCKS sitting across from your skinny fat coworker eating her lean quizine pasta with asian veggies and some sort of goey poultry lumps, asking - - why do you do that? this works just fine! I’ve been a size 2 since sophomore year of high school, and thats just cuz I finally got a butt and had to move up from a size zero! AHAHAHA!  You want to take your size 8, clean and jerking ass, and overhead squat that bitch all the way to the doctors office for a body scan, and smile at her politely when she registers 32% body fat, and you rock out at a respectable 14%! BOOM!  But you cant... so you choose how to handle that. Every meal, every day.  Every drive home.  Every birthday party.  Every lunch. 

So, here’s to you - you’re killin it.  And I’M proud of you! 

If you make 29 bad choices today, and 1 good one, you did it! You conquered something inside yourself and did the right thing - tomorrow, lets make it two, and go from there.  And a month from now, when we’re 29/30 good choices a day, lets step on the scale and you tell me if you misplaced the weight, or if you challenged yourself every minute of every day to get there.

Soapbox - done.

Now, for an uninteresting look at what I ate today:

Breakfast: 3 hard boiled eggs, microwave bacon, fish oil and water

Lunch: turkey breast, red pepper and hummus for dipping - more fish oil

Snack: Black coffee, a few mints to kill the fish burps, and a handful or two of almonds

Dinner: HUGE salad with greens, yummy taco-esque seasoned chicken, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers and some feta.  Yes, feta. Mmmmm.

Snack while i write?  A bag of turkey jerky... my first! not bad! 

Thanks to the three of you that read this... it makes me feel better that I sacrificed sleep to do so.

2 May - dinner with the mother in law :)

Last night I slept well, thanks to OTC sleeping meds and staying up late to watch the President's press conference regarding OBL.  I'll leave my opinions on that out of this blog...

Anyway, woke up this morning, called the hubby and took my first crack at pre hardboiled eggs and microwave bacon... I was skeptical at best.  The bacon comes four slices at a time in little sealed bags with a puffy paper towel to absorb the fat.  Popped the bad boys in the microwave and had relatively crispy bacon two minutes later! I'm a burnt bacon girl, but this stuff was actually OK!  The eggs were fine as well, but I'm going to need to get my hands on some pepper before breakfast tomorrow.

Lunch was the leftover half salad from yesterday, still good!  I also snacked on a bag of beef jerky this morning in class.  Class.... well, let me get to that in a minute.  With the salad, I also munched on a few slices of the turkey while watching an old episode of CSI!  Nothing like crime and turkey :)

Okay, back to class... Before arriving we paid "dues" of $15 to pay for morning snacks, which should have been advertised as morning diabetes!!  I walk in and saw a jug of sweet tea, orange "drink", sweetened cranberry cocktail, coffee, chewy granola bars, bagels, cream cheese, muffins, doughnuts and toast!  YIKES!  Before arriving we were asked if we had special dietary needs, but I didn't feel like speaking up to say "Yes -- I need meat and veggies please! And nuts - not legumes!!" I figured I could BYOJ (Bring Your Own Jerky) and be fine... and I will be, but my goodness -- is this seriously what they're going to provide every day? And expect us to stay awake after the 20 minute sugar rush that follows? Yikes... I'll have a cup or two of black coffee along the way, I'm sure, but avoid the rest of the crap.  I wish there was a distinguished graduate in this class, I know I'd get it because I'd be the only one awake after 9AM!

So, I bet by now you're wondering about the mother in law title! Well, this evening my wonderful mother in law met me halfway between my current TDY location and her home for dinner, in a lovely one stoplight town :)  Fortunately, they had an Applebees so we didn't have to risk the "local flare" and went for a franchise that we assumed would be the same anywhere.  Visions of the movie "Waiting" are dancing in my head... Before I left I took my own advice and checked out the menu online.  I decided that a steak would be the best (and safest) choice -- I ordered it without the cheesy goo on top, or the potato sides and asked them to double the veggies!  You should have seen the confusion "So, you want no potato at all? Cuz you can have either baked or mashed? And you can get those loaded?"  Whatever that means? Like a shotgun? Like me stumbling around on most Friday nights?  Mashed taters topped with Jameson doesn't sound half bad, but I don't think that's what she meant...perhaps next St Patty's day.... Anyway, I digress.  I cleared up the confusion and ate my steak and veggies in paleo bliss.  It didn't taste half bad, although I'm guessing that had something to do with the amount of salt on the steak, but what can you do! It's the life of a modern day nomad!  The company was great, I had a wonderful time with her and I managed to avoid the 20 page rainbow fru fru drink and chocolate drizzled everything dessert menu - mostly because I had to drive 90 mins home, not something I wanted a buzz or a sugar crash for!

We're on to day three tomorrow -- tonight I'll snack on some cocoa almonds, and see ya in the morning sun!

May Day!

Hurray Hurray first of May!!

I woke up bright and early at 5:00 and spent the morning calling back home to the hubby to check on him and the doggies... I was STARVING but through the magic of google I learned that not much opens before 9AM in the South on a Sunday.

At 9:01 I crossed the threshold of a chain restaurant with my grumbling tummy.

Breakfast:
2 eggs, over easy
3 strips of bacon
2 sausage links
8 oz glass of OJ
coffee - black!

After breakfast, I journeyed to the grocery store! What a treat compared to the commissary shopping experience I dread every week at home... My hotel room comes complete with a microwave, and mini fridge - so I know the next 6 days I'm here are going to be a challenge!

Grocery List
Bell peppers
Hummus (not paleo, but I don't have the equipment to make guac!)
Eggs - i found pre peeled, packaged hard boiled eggs! Magical - bought a dozen!
1 lb of low sodium deli turkey
2 pre made cobb salads - i'll be removing the blue cheese and adding some avocado slices!
3 avocados
a few packages of beef and turkey jerky
Case of water
Pre made "entree" - Pork tenderloin, microwaveable...decided to try this.. the ingredient list wasn't too long, and nothing I couldn't pronounce, no flour - rice - whey - sugar etc. I'll let you know how it is!
2 bags of steamable veggies
Bottle of fish oil pills (oops, left mine at home!)
Package of microwavable bacon - never tried this, and no, it won't be nitrate free, but I gots to have my bacon!

Alright on to Lunch! I attempted to eat one of the pre made cobb salads, but didn't get very far... it was HUGE! I'm estimating three chopped eggs, 1C Turkey, 1/2 C. Bacon, half an avocado... plus all the lettuce, tomato and green onions, I couldn't finish it!  I'll eat the other half for lunch tomorrow :) But it sure was yummy!

Tonight I'm having dinner with a friend.  Dinner out is always interesting... She's dabbled in Paleo in the past so maybe she's back on board and we'll be able to find something together!  She suggested the restaurant, so I'd recommend if you know where you're going to eat ahead of time, google it! Look at their menu and have a plan before you arrive.  You'll be less tempted to go off the deep end if your mouth is watering in advanced for a paleo friendly meal.

Looking at the menu, we'll be going to a deli with a small menu.  Soups, salads and sandwiches along a Greek theme.  I ended up eating some yummy chicken kebabs with onions, tomatoes and green peppers, with a salad on the side!  The dish came with rice, so the salad was the next best thing.  The salad was pre made/tossed with feta, but otherwise just olive oil, seasonings, lettuce and onions!

That's it for today! Hope everyone enjoyed May Day!